Stuck

I sit here, staring at a blank page.

Ok, so its not blank anymore...
Its been blasted hot out lately, with quite a few storms that include thunder, lightning, uber-strong winds, torrential rains, and/or walnut-sized hail. (Very unusual for the Okanagan; they haven't seen stuff like this in like twenty years!) I've been getting up at 6 to go to work so I can quit earlier because of the heat. After work, I either do a lot, or I don't do much, but no matter what I do or don't do, I don't do anything creative. Nothing artistic. I haven't written a song in almost a year. I can't draw. I don't know how to paint. Playing music feels boring right now. Its hot, I feel creatively constipated, and I think I may just go crazy. And I'm thinking this in an eerily monotone voice. In my head. As I write. Good grief I'm bored! Even when I'm so stinkin' busy that I don't have time to be bored I'm bored. Dunno how that's possible, but it must be somehow. I thought that after all the lessons and recitals and things had ended at the beginning of summer, that I would have time, energy and motivation to be creative; artistic. I don't. Heck, I dunno if I even remember how to be creative. I don't want to pick up my guitar. I don't want to try and write a song or poem. I don't want to go plunk away on the piano. I don't want to try to draw or paint, because I know it won't look good. But something deep down inside me is dying to imagine, to concoct; to dream up and fashion... something... anything! But what? How? I think I'm stuck.

Mrs. Darcy

Just watched Pride and Prejudice again, for like at least the 5th or 6th time... Don't think I'll ever get tired of watching that movie; I never catch all of what they're saying anyway, so each time I watch it I understand more of the dialogue. They talk so fast in that accent, sometimes it sounds like a different language! Watching Pride and Prejudice always makes me wistful. It makes me wish I was a "Mrs. Darcy" and that I had a "Mr. Darcy" of my own. Not a Mr. Collins, or even a Mr. Bingley, but a Mr. Darcy. The drama; the wit; the biting sarcasm and clever put-downs... The contempt-turned-to-love... The happily-ever-after...
Sometimes I find it hard to enjoy being single, even after over three years of practice. Maybe its because I wasn't for so long... Who knows. All I know is that I'm looking forward to meeting my 'Mr. Darcy' and having moments with him where we're both "completely and perfectly and incandescently happy."

'The Thief'

I've been playing a lot of Brooke Fraser these last few days; specifically one song called 'The Thief'. Its a really pretty song, and I've been learning to play it on guitar, but I also really love the words. Listening to that song makes me wonder when my 'thief' is gonna come and steal the key to my heart...

The Thief

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging without giving us any say

[CHORUS]
You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

[CHORUS]

[Bridge]
It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait `til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

Happy Canada Day btw!

The Writing Desk...

Its funny how people think that if they just buy this one more thing, it'll somehow change their lives... Take myself for instance; in May, I got this beautiful writing desk that I absolutely love! Now, I've wanted a desk like this for years; an actual writing desk (not an ugly computer desk). I guess I had this grand idea that if I got a writing desk, I'd suddenly become so inspired and spend hours upon hours sitting at that desk letting words spill onto paper in the form of graceful songs and eloquent poems. But that hasn't happened yet. My life is super busy, I'm hardly ever at home, I'm uninspired, and my gorgeous desk sits here in my room, alone and unused. That's just sad.
In other news, the fam and I are going camping and to a gospel fest this weekend... should be fun!
Beth

The Dawning

Here's a poem I stumbled on by George Herbert.....

THE DAWNING

WAKE, sad heart, whom sorrow ever drowns ;
Take up thine eyes, which feed on earth ;
Unfold thy forehead, gathered into frowns ;
Thy Saviour comes, and with Him mirth :
Awake, awake,
And with a thankful heart His comforts take.
But thou dost still lament, and pine, and cry,
And feel His death, but not His victory.

Arise, sad heart ; if thou dost not withstand,
Christ's resurrection thine may be ;
Do not by hanging down break from the hand
Which, as it riseth, raiseth thee :
Arise, Arise;
And with His burial linen drie thine eyes.
Christ left His grave-clothes, that we might, when grief
Draws tears or blood, not want a handkerchief.

(written in 1886)

"Breathe In Me"

So, for the last few years, I've been feeling spiritually dry and kinda deadish inside, and its been really frustrating, especially since I've been leading worship at my church, because people say that worship was great and that the Holy Spirit was there, but I don't know except through what they say. There's a song by Michael W. Smith called "Breathe In Me" that sounds like how I feel, so I've kind of made it my theme song and my prayer of late...

You breathe in me and I'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me and you revive
Feelings in my soul that I have laid to rest

So breathe in me, I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me; Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life in me again

I used to be so sensitive
To the light that leads to where you are
Now I've acquired these callouses
With the darkness of a cold and jaded heart

So breathe in me, I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me; Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life in me again

While I was at work today, I was praying, and one of the things I was praying about was this desert-like ice age I've been in this last while. And while I was praying, this Bible verse came to me:
"See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."

Song Of Solomon 2:11-13

So, that was quite encouraging. I quite enjoy those verses!

Bethie

Daydreaming...

So, while I was at work yesterday, I was daydreaming. About Josh Groban. He's one of my favourite singers, and I (and probably every other girl who knows about him) like to imagine that he's singing his songs to me... Anyway, a friend and I are talking about road trip to LA this fall, and I was imagining that we got down there, and were exploring the city, when we met Josh walking down the sidewalk. Now, of course this would NEVER happen, but... He stops us and introduces himself (of course though we know who he is, but don't make a big deal about the fact that he's in the middle of the sidewalk talking to us... you know, the publicity thing...). So, anywho, he stops us and tells us that there's an award show that night and he and a friend were thinking they'd do something different for their dates and pick a couple of random girls in the city, and we looked like nice girls. So he asks us if we wanted to be his and his friend's dates for the evening. Of course we say 'yes', but we didn't have anything to wear. SO, Josh takes us shopping for a couple of evening gowns... Then we get our hair and makeup done professionally, and meet up with Josh's friend, and away the four of us go. Yup, I have a good imagination. Meh, it helped pass the time at work. Sometimes though, I wish just once in a while things could happen like they do in daydreams and movies... I guess I'm a big fan of fairytales. And daydreams. And I know God has something and someone way better for me than I could think or imagine or daydream, but it is still nice to dream. =:^)